Alcohol Sales Are Up 55% and Honestly I’m Surprised It’s Not More

The results of my ancestry test kit are back, and as it turns out I’m 37.4% lush. Er, I mean Irish. CNN reports that “booze sales are booming as people stockpile alcohol,” but I have questions. For example: why didn’t I think of that? Also: how does one make a Mai Tai?

I peered into the fridge a couple of weeks ago to find my beer shelf completely barren. Devastated, I hatched a plan to restock. I gleefully opened my Walmart Grocery app and added Blue Moon to my cart, along with all my other essentials (such as Easter candy and animal crackers).

Driving to the store to pick up my grocery order, I grinned, reveling in the knowledge that a 12-pack of my favorite Belgian brew would be coming home with me. I could almost taste its citrusy bubbles. I whipped out my driver’s license to show it to the approaching grocery pickup dude before he could even ask.

You can imagine my horror when he broke the news that my beer order was not fulfilled. “Your Blue Moon was out of stock,” he said casually, almost like he WASN’T breaking my heart (even though he was). “You mean to tell me there is no Blue Moon anywhere in the store?” I asked through clenched teeth as I slowly began to come unglued. “Well, I think it’s in the store, but we’re short-staffed with everything going on, so I think I heard that today management decided not to fulfill alcohol orders.”

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Photo by Pauline Bernfeld on Unsplash

I stared blankly back at him, speechless.

“You could come into the store and buy it,” he offered, motioning toward the front doors. It was unclear whether he noticed the level of hostility in my eyes rising with each word.

I blinked a few times, wondering if it had occurred to him that THERE IS A REASON I AM PICKING UP MY GROCERIES INSTEAD OF PLUCKING THEM OFF THE SHELVES MYSELF. If I had wanted to go into the store, I would have just done that to begin with. To be clear, it’s not that I necessarily blame Walmart for prioritizing orders for arugula and apples over beer, but DAMN that’s cold.

Dr. Blatchford, O.D.

I drove home in relative silence, contemplating my options. Do I risk my life physically going into a store for… booze? I love my beverages, but that seemed a little extreme, even for me. No, it was time to get creative. It was time to learn how to mix some drinks with whatever I had on hand at home. It turns out I had quite the collection of bottles collecting dust in my bar. You know, the stuff we pull out at parties. Except we aren’t having any parties; not before COVID-19 (because we’re parents) and certainly not now.

Photo by Johann Trasch on Unsplash

And so today I present to you my favorite margarita recipe. I don’t mean to brag, but it might be the best margarita I’ve ever had (and – also not to brag – but I’ve had a lot of them). The key to this one is using good tequila. I used Orendain but any type that’s a little sweeter and smoother than say, Jose Cuervo, will work. But it’s up to you. I’m not your mom.

2 oz tequila
3 oz lime juice
1 oz triple sec
1 oz agave syrup

Combine all ingredients and shake ’em like a Polaroid picture.

Serve over ice.

If you have a chance to try this recipe, let me know what you think. And if you have any good drink recipes to share, please tell me in the comments! Cheers!

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